사돈 (sadon) — The Most Delicate Word at a Korean Wedding

사돈

사돈 (sadon) means the relationship between the parents of two families joined by marriage — and also the word those parents use to address or refer to each other. Go to a Korean wedding and you’ll see the groom’s father and the bride’s father calling each other by neither name nor job title, but by this one word. “사돈, 이쪽으로 앉으시지요. (Sadon, ijjogeuro anjeusijyo.)” — “Sadon, please sit over here.” The voices are low, the backs are slightly bowed, and the sentence endings are unusually polite. Even learners who have studied Korean for a few years stop short at this scene. Are those two meeting for the first time today? Or did they already know each other? Why so careful?

The answer is all packed inside the word 사돈 (sadon). This word has a different texture from other kinship words. 이모 (imo), 삼촌 (samchon), and 할머니 (halmeoni) are words for people connected to you by blood, so warmth and ease are their baseline temperature. But 사돈 is a connection made by marriage, not by blood. Because my son married that family’s daughter, an adult I barely know suddenly became family as of today. Close, yet an outsider; an outsider, yet someone I’ll be seeing for the rest of my life. That ambiguous distance calls up the most polite register in the Korean language. Even with a ten-year age gap, 사돈 use 존댓말 (jondaenmal, polite speech) with each other, and they almost never drop into 반말 (banmal, casual speech) in their entire lives.

So 사돈 is one word, but really it’s an attitude. “We’re family now. Which is exactly why I’ll be even more polite.” Where the Western word in-law points to a fact about a relationship, the Korean 사돈 points to the manners that come attached to it as well.

Checking the National Institute of Korean Language Dictionary

The National Institute of Korean Language’s Basic Korean Dictionary lists this word under two senses.

사돈 (sadon) 「noun」

The relationship between the parents of two families joined by marriage. Or the word the parents of either of the two families use to address or refer to the parents of the other family.

[English] son-in-law’s parents; daughter-in-law’s parents — The word that means the relation between the parents of the two marrying families, or the word that is used by the parents of either of the two marrying families to mean or address the parents of the other family.

[Japanese] あいやけ【相舅】 — 婚姻した両家の親の間柄。または、婚姻した両家の親が互いに相手方を呼んだり指したりする時に使う言葉。

[Spanish] consuegro — Relación entre los padres de dos familias casadas. O palabra que se dice o llama a la otra parte entre los padres de dos familias casadas.

[Chinese] 亲家 — 结成婚姻的两家父母之间的关系；或用于他们互相称呼或指称对方。 — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

사돈 (sadon) 「noun」 2. A relationship formed through marriage. Or a person in such a relationship.

[English] a relation by marriage; in-law — A relation by marriage, or a person in such a relation.

[Japanese] いんせき【姻戚】 — 婚姻によって結ばれた関係。また、その関係の人。

[Spanish] pariente político — Relación ligada por matrimonio. O persona en una relación así.

[Chinese] 姻亲 — 因婚姻结成的关系；或指具有那种关系的人。 — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

※ The dictionary above does not include a Portuguese translation. For reference, sense 1 would come out to something like consogro / consogra and sense 2 to parente por afinidade — but let it be noted that these are not from the dictionary; they’re our own renderings added for this post.

Sense 1 is the narrow meaning (the tie between the two sets of parents), and sense 2 is the broad one (people connected by marriage in general). When you call out “사돈!” in everyday conversation, that’s sense 1; when you say something sweeping like “우리 사돈 쪽 식구들 (uri sadon jjok siktdeul, the folks on our in-laws’ side),” that’s sense 2.

The real-use examples the dictionary shows alongside the entry all deal with the derived word 겹사돈 (gyeopsadon) — a case where one family and another marry into each other twice, so the 사돈 relationship is doubled up.

겹사돈 (gyeopsadon) — a doubled in-law tie

겹사돈이 성사되다. (Gyeopsadoni seongsadoeda.) — A doubled in-law match comes together.

겹사돈이 되다. (Gyeopsadoni doeda.) — To become doubled in-laws.

겹사돈을 맺다. (Gyeopsadoneul maetda.) — To form a doubled in-law tie.

겹사돈을 반대하다. (Gyeopsadoneul bandaehada.) — To oppose a doubled in-law match. — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

Those four short phrases show the whole life cycle of a 겹사돈. Talks go back and forth (성사되다), the relationship is established (되다·맺다), and somebody objects (반대하다). That last one, “반대하다,” is especially Korean — for a long time, elders were wary of 겹사돈 on the grounds that it tangled two families together too tightly.

정부는 가족법의 개정으로 겹사돈을 맺는 것이 문제없다고 밝혔다. (Jeongbuneun gajokbeobui gaejeongeuro gyeopsadoneul maetneun geosi munjeeopdago balkyeotda.) — The government announced that, with the revision of the family law, forming a doubled in-law tie poses no problem. — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

Here the law and the institutions have sorted out what to call the relationship. It’s written in news-article style, so it ends with 밝혔다 (balkyeotda, “announced”).

남동생이 처제와 결혼하고 싶다니 겹사돈이 이루어질 것 같다. (Namdongsaengi cheojewa gyeolhonhago sipdani gyeopsadoni irueojil geot gatda.) — My younger brother says he wants to marry my wife’s younger sister, so it looks like we’ll end up doubled in-laws. — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

My younger brother wants to marry my wife’s younger sister. If that happens, my family and my wife’s family become 사돈 twice over. It’s an example that shows in a single sentence how a 겹사돈 actually comes about.

어머, 그럼 너희 겹사돈이 되는 거니? (Eomeo, geureom neohui gyeopsadoni doeneun geoni?) — Oh my, so you two are becoming doubled in-laws? — National Institute of Korean Language, Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr)

Unlike the previous two sentences, this one is fully colloquial. Between the interjection 어머 (eomeo) and the ending -니? (-ni?), you can picture the scene exactly: an older relative asking back in surprise.

A Real Conversation

Scene: The reception after Jun-kyung’s younger sister’s wedding. They’ve picked up plates from the buffet and sat down at a corner table.

Jun-kyung: 아까 우리 아빠 옆에 계속 서 계시던 분, 누군지 알겠어? Do you know who that man was, standing next to my dad the whole time?

Emily: 신랑 아버님이지? 두 분이 계속 “사돈, 사돈” 하시더라. The groom’s father, right? The two of them kept calling each other “sadon.”

Jun-kyung: 어, 오늘부터 사돈이지. 우리 아빠 저렇게 말 조심하는 거 나도 처음 봐. Yeah, as of today they’re sadon. I’ve never seen my dad watch his words like that either.

Emily: 난 처음 들었을 때 그게 이름인 줄 알았잖아. 근데 어머님들끼리는 다르게 부르시던데? The first time I heard it I thought it was a name. But the mothers were calling each other something else?

Jun-kyung: 아, 그건 사부인. 안사돈끼리는 그렇게 불러. 저기 신랑 누나는 나한테 사돈이 되는 거고. Ah, that’s “sabuin.” That’s what the mothers use. And the groom’s older sister — she’s my sadon now.

Emily: 헐, 나 아까 그분한테 반말했는데. 나 큰일 난 거야? Whoa, I spoke casually to her earlier. Am I in trouble?

This Sounds Off

✗ (To your husband’s mother) 사돈, 안녕하세요. (Sadon, annyeonghaseyo.) ✓ (To your husband’s mother) 어머님, 안녕하세요. (Eomeonim, annyeonghaseyo.) → This is the mistake learners make most often. They map the English in-law straight over and call their spouse’s parents 사돈 — but 사돈 is not the tie between me and my spouse’s parents; it’s the tie between my parents and my spouse’s parents. Your mother-in-law is not your 사돈; she’s your 어머님 (eomeonim).

✗ (To your boss) 부장님, 그거야말로 사돈 남 말 하시는 거죠. (Bujangnim, geugeoyamallo sadon nam mal hasineun geojyo.) ✓ (To a friend) 야, 너야말로 사돈 남 말 한다. (Ya, neoyamallo sadon nam mal handa.) → 사돈 남 말 한다 (sadon nam mal handa) is a proverb that pokes fun at someone for blaming others when they’re guilty of the exact same thing — the Korean equivalent of “look who’s talking.” Between peers it’s good for a laugh, but aimed at someone senior it’s flat-out rude. Safest not to use it with anyone above you at all.

Example Sentences by Situation

1) At the first formal meeting of the two families before a wedding (상견례)

사돈어른, 먼 길 오시느라 고생 많으셨습니다. (Sadon-eoreun, meon gil osineura gosaeng manseusseumnida. — Sadon-eoreun, thank you for making such a long trip.)

상견례 (sanggyeollye) is the occasion where the two sets of parents formally meet and greet each other before the wedding. The wedding hasn’t happened yet, but from this moment on the two sides treat each other as 사돈. 사돈어른 (sadon-eoreun) stacks an extra layer of respect onto the word, used when the other person is older than you or when you want to be especially deferential.

2) Talking with family during a holiday

이번 추석엔 사돈댁에 과일이라도 한 상자 보내야겠다. (Ibeon Chuseogen sadondaege gwail-irado han sangja bonaeyagetda. — This Chuseok I should send at least a box of fruit over to the in-laws’ house.)

사돈댁 (sadondaek) is a respectful way to refer to the 사돈’s home — that is, the other family’s household. Exchanging gifts between the two families every holiday is a long-standing custom, so this sentence really does get said in Korean homes year after year.

3) Explaining a relationship (sense 2)

그 사람이랑 나랑은 사돈의 팔촌쯤 되는 사이야. (Geu saramirang narang-eun sadonui palchonjjeum doeneun saiya. — He and I are related about as closely as a sadon’s eighth cousin.)

사돈의 팔촌 (sadonui palchon) is an idiom meaning “technically there’s a connection, but for all practical purposes we’re strangers.” It isn’t asking you to actually count degrees of kinship; it’s a joking exaggeration for a very distant relationship.

반말 barely shows up in 사돈 relationships at all. The default is that 사돈 use 존댓말 with each other regardless of age difference, and it’s common for them never to drop the formality even after decades. So this word family isn’t sorted by 반말 vs. 존댓말 — it’s sorted by who you’re referring to.

Expression	Tone / Intensity	Where it’s used
사돈 (sadon)	The polite default	When the two sets of parents address each other. Also for someone of the same generation in the other family
사부인 (sabuin)	Polite, for a woman	When one mother addresses the other family’s mother
바깥사돈 (bakkatsadon) / 안사돈 (ansadon)	Descriptive register	When distinguishing the male and female in-law to a third party. Rarely used as a face-to-face address
사돈어른 (sadon-eoreun)	The most deferential	When the other person is your senior, or when you want maximum formality
사돈총각 (sadon-chonggak) / 사돈처녀 (sadon-cheonyeo)	Polite but gentle	When addressing an unmarried young person in the other family
인척 (incheok)	Neutral, documentary	In legal or official documents, for relatives by marriage as a whole

To sum up: to address someone, use 사돈, 사부인, 사돈어른; to explain to a third party, use 바깥사돈, 안사돈; to write on a form, use 인척.

Cultural Background — The Closer You Are, the Further Apart You Sit

There’s an old Korean saying: “사돈집과 뒷간은 멀수록 좋다 (sadonjipgwa dwitganeun meolsurok jota)” — “The in-laws’ house and the outhouse are best kept far away.” It doesn’t mean you should be on bad terms. It’s practical wisdom: if you’re packed in too close, little things start to grate, so keep a reasonable distance. The whole character of the 사돈 relationship fits in that one line — maximum courtesy, moderate distance.

The etymology isn’t certain. It’s sometimes written with the Chinese characters 査頓, but the characters don’t yield the meaning, so it’s generally taken to be a phonetic borrowing. There are old stories passed down about how that spelling came to be, but those are seen as tales attached after the fact. The only sure thing is that the word has been in use for a very long time.

In Korean dramas, scenes featuring 사돈 are almost always tense moments. The 상견례 table where the two mothers smile and exchange greetings while sizing each other up with every sentence ending. The first meal the two families share after the wedding. The moment a couple’s fight escalates until both sets of parents end up sitting across from each other. Even if you can’t follow the dialogue, you can tell just from the picture — the bows are deeper than usual, the polite forms run longer than usual, the laughter is more careful than usual. That temperature is 사돈.

Things have changed a lot lately. 사돈 send each other photos on KakaoTalk; some families even travel together. Still, the way they address each other barely budges. Ten years in, it’s still “사돈,” and it’s still 존댓말. Because in Korean, this word is the name of a relationship and the name of a line you don’t cross, both at once.

That’s why Emily was so startled in the dialogue above. The person she casually greeted as a wedding guest is, to Jun-kyung, someone he will never drop the formal speech with as long as he lives. The height of your speech shifts with the relationship even when you’re standing in the same room — it’s the sense Korean learners pick up last, but pick up most surely.

Today’s Quiz

Which of these three people used 사돈 correctly?

지훈 (Ji-hoon): The day after his wedding, he calls his wife’s mother and says, “사돈, 잘 들어가셨어요? (Sadon, jal deureogasyeosseoyo?)”
민아 (Min-a): At her son’s wedding, she says to the bride’s mother, “사부인, 오늘 정말 고생 많으셨어요. (Sabuin, oneul jeongmal gosaeng manseusseoyo.)”
톰 (Tom): Introducing his older brother and his brother’s wife, he says, “이쪽이 제 사돈들이에요. (Ijjogi je sadondeurieyo.)”

See the answer

Answer: 2, 민아 (Min-a)

Min-a and the bride’s mother are the two mothers joined by their children’s marriage — that is, 안사돈 to each other. The word they use to address each other is 사부인 (sabuin), so this is spot on.

In 1, Ji-hoon called his wife’s mother — his mother-in-law — 사돈. But 사돈 refers to the tie between Ji-hoon’s parents and his wife’s parents, so Ji-hoon should say 장모님 (jangmonim) or 어머님 (eomeonim).

In 3, Tom called his older brother and his brother’s wife 사돈. His brother is a sibling by blood, and his brother’s wife is that sibling’s spouse. Neither one is a 사돈.

Definitions and example sentences are from the National Institute of Korean Language’s Basic Korean Dictionary (krdict.korean.go.kr); that portion of this post, including our translations, is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 KR.